Down in the Dumps

I felt rather blue by the end of the school day today. :( I reached my breaking point with the children (yes, we teachers do get to that point every now and then) and very calmly told them to clear their desks and get in ready position ("ready position" is sitting up straight, feet under the desk, and hands folded on top of desk). The students knew that I was not very happy, so they all did as told. As the students were putting away their belongings, I silently prayed that God would help me to know what to do next.

I began to have a heart-to-heart with them for about the next 15 minutes. I was very real with them, saying that I felt most of them could care less about education, the purpose of coming to school each day, and their future. I told them how much I cared about them and how it saddens me to see them wasting their time away each day. I got quite emotional during my speech to them because I really do care about all 29 of my kids...if I didn't care, I wouldn't be teaching. I have so many brilliant students that just waste their time and do not work to their potential.

Once I finished my speech, I allowed students to express their viewpoints/feelings. Boy, was I in for a surprise! One girl raised her hand and told me (in so many words) that she felt sometimes I seem to busy or rushed to attend to her, and that makes her feel like I don't care about her. While her comment completely took me by surprise, I did not make her feel bad for expressing herself. Obviously if she felt that way, there was something I was or was not doing to cause this. Well, the next thing that happened surprised me even more and made me feel so horrible. I asked the class, "How many of you agree with the comment that was just made?" About 6 or 7 hands went up around my classroom.

I could feel the tears welling up inside of my eyes as I struggled to hold them back. It was at that moment that I felt I had failed in doing God's purpose which He called me to do 21 years ago. I was at a complete loss for words, and I really felt that God was using that moment to speak to me about areas in my life that need some serious work! Never would I want to make one of my students' feel uncared for by me, yet in my busyness with 29 students, I somehow managed to do that to not just one, but several of my kids.

Since I am always telling my children that my classroom is a "No Excuses" zone, I told them that I was not going to rattle off any excuses to them and try to justify why they shouldn't feel the way they did. Instead, I promised each and every one of them that I would work harder and better each day than I did the day before.

I cried the whole drive home from work tonight! I know in my heart of hearts that I have love for these kids and they have love for me...and I'm glad that they were honest and truthful with me. Sometimes the truth hurts! CJ was so supportive and sympathetic towards me when I got home and cried to him all over again. We prayed together, and I know that God will help me correct my attitude and slow down enough to make each child in my room feel like they are the only one. It's just kind of "funny" that when I said that silent prayer while the kids were getting ready to hear what I had to say...God was preparing me for what they had to say.

May I work harder and better tomorrow...and only with God's help!